Jocelyn Magnanimous
by The Rainbow Devowerer
Summary: "My name is Jocelyn Magnanimous, I'm 546 years old, I'm the last of the shape-shifters, this is my most adopted form, my area of expertise is explosives, my favorite food is peanut butter and I have one last and very important question to ask you... ... Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"


Author's Note: Sorry for the messed up text, but please tolerate. This is basically my character after the events of Darquesse assuming everyone is living happily ever after. Also posted this on blog, but whatevs. I am basically planning to make other short scenes like this but starting from book 1 of the skulduggery pleasant series where she'll originally meet them THERE, then book 2, then book 3 and so on.

If you asked Jocelyn what her favorite place to go to on a Friday night was, I bet you wouldn't expect the top of the Cliffs of Moher. Coincidentally, that is exactly where she was; 01:35 am on a Friday night in December, sitting on top of one of the most famous Irish landmarks, pondering if there was ever a sexier looking piece of machinery than the Porsche 911 turbo engine while she placed her cheek on her palm. You, the reader, would probably want me by now to explain who this mysterious 'Jocelyn' person is, standing on top of the cliffs in the middle of winter!

To summarize, Jocelyn Magnanimous was your average 5 ft 5, 135 lbs woman from Spain with died bright violet hair that flowed to her buttocks in a straight and boring line. She had the stereotypical tanned skin that people from her country usually had, a strongly defined jaw and a straight scar that swiped from her right eyebrow to her left cheek and left a heavy dent on the bridge of her nose.

Jocelyn lived in a nice house in the middle of a forest somewhere in Russia...She couldn't really be bothered to remember the address; why bother when you can smell the repulsive odor of her little brother's cooking a mile away? She was also a part-time actress in a few theaters here and there, until she finally decided to settle down after she got hired by the Australian Sanctuary once and became a dance instructor. Of course, that was just what she did when she wasn't working for one of the cradles of magic.

As for her personality...well, there wasn't much to tell in Jocelyn's opinion; she considered herself a very simple creature with five simple needs: eating, sleeping, tinkering, dancing and shifting.

...

Pooping might be one of them if dancing wasn't of greater importance on Jocelyn's list: if she wasn't able to do shifting, she can always rely on dancing as a good source of vigor and exuberance. Especially chandelier tangoing, mop waltzing and Jazz dancing to a few good tunes of Earth, Wind and Fire. In fact, whatever creature on earth cannot tolerate the awe-inspiring melodies of Micheal Buble, Earth, Wind and Fire, Micheal Jackson, Queens, Joe Cocker, Bob Dylan, Tom Jones, the Rumjacks or heck, even Elvis Presley! Then Jocelyn instantly demoted them to her mental dumb-dumb list: the memorable Hall of Shame for people who cannot appreciate good taste of music and who have brains the size of...a hamster. Or a broccoli.

Jocelyn felt her nose scrunch at the mere thought of the horrible monstrosity. If a mutated radish and a pile of horse poo consummated and gave birth to a child...that would be the creation of broccoli.

...

That and Chinese-made car brands, because EVERYBODY knows how much of a hideous crime against engineering those are. Except you might need more horse poo added in and a couple of bolts to give birth to such a disastrous piece of machinery.

Just as Jocelyn was about to go back to daydreaming about a random Bugatti EB 110 SS, the sound of an actual car engine in the distance broke her out of her stupor and she jerked into a wary stance. She narrowed her glowing green eyes as her pupils dilated abnormally in the dark, taking up three quarters of the iris. Far ahead, she was able to see some kind of Bentley parking on the side of the dirt road and two forms came out on either side; one taller and slimmer than the other one, who had a more feminine figure.

"And how do we know China didn't just send us out to catch some...I don't know, mad scientist?!" A feminine voice asked heatedly; Jocelyn could practically HEAR the suspicious frown on her face.

There was a moment of silence before a soft, velvet voice replied "What on earth would China do with a mad scientist?"

"I don't know...extract some new genius idea that she invented like in the movies?"

"...Why would she go through all the trouble of sending out a fearsome and stunning detective like myself only to waste his talents on collecting some insane invalid? Really Valkyrie, after all this time together, I would've thought you had more sense!"

The two figures must've seen Jocelyn standing on one of the rocks, because they soon started to walk towards her. Jocelyn simply shrugged her shoulders, gingerly sat down on it and opened a fiddle case right next to her.

Well, if those two were possible kidnappers and an intense fight might ensue, Jocelyn figured she might enjoy a few tunes before all hell broke loose. It didn't take long for Valkyrie and Skulduggery to hear the pleasant string tunes of "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" by the Phantom of the Opera.

* * *

Valkyrie felt her eyebrows shoot up in surprise as she heard the sudden sound of a violin melody flow in beautiful harmony into her ear. She has seen criminals and convicts do some crazy crap in an attempt to escape or humiliate before they eventually got captured and arrested, but Valkyrie had NEVER had someone suddenly play the violin when they saw their captors marching towards them. Valkyrie begged to whatever deity above that this person wasn't actually mad, because she definitely didn't want to leave her weaponry in the hands of a maniac!

It was a 2 years ago when China decided to "renovate" the Sanctuary (in other words, move the Sanctuary into an ENTIRELY new address) and along the way, the matter of a weapon's specialist for the new armory somehow became a new issue. Surprisingly, there weren't that many Adepts or Elementals that were specialized enough in weaponry for the Sanctuary and even if there were, most of them were already taken by other sanctuary's.

It was only four months ago when rumors of sightings started to spread in Aberdeen: while some claimed to have seen a tall, red-headed beauty shooting laser guns at a band of thugs, others claim that it was a 5 ft 7 blonde that was able to make a missile launcher out of a run down Toyota in less than a day!

Nobody in the Sanctuary took notice at first and shook it off as some talented Adept or Elemental gone rogue, until after a month; rumors among the British and Irish Sanctuaries started to spread that a certain 'Jocelyn Magnanimous' was back from the grave. This Jocelyn had quite a reputation, because Valkyrie heard plenty of other names used for her: "The Gargoyle", "Mad Maggy", "Exploding Fiddler" and so on; "The Gargoyle" being the most popular for some reason. When China heard about this Jocelyn, she decided that the Irish Sanctuary had found their weapon's specialist at last. After another two months of searching and listening from China's sources, they finally heard a rumor about a strange woman visiting the Cliffs of Moher every Friday night, playing a fiddle.

"Why do they call her "The Gargoyle" anyway?" Valkyrie asked as she clung her cloak closer to her body, that still continued to shiver from the biting wind.

Skulduggery removed his facade (a blonde man with hazel eyes and a goatee, with the usual high cheekbones) and tilted his hat upwards before replying "Because our new weapons specialist just happens to be a shape-shifter.

Valkyrie's eyes widened in shock, "What?! I thought that the shape-shifters were all killed by the warlocks centuries ago!"

Skulduggery simply shrugged his shoulders "It seems that they've missed one."

The shape-shifters were like the warlocks in terms of their place in the sorcerer society, only they were a much more peaceful race of magic. A shape-shifter was able to warp the muscle-tissues and calcium levels in their body, which enabled them to shift into different people. When it came to animals however, it was different. When a shape-shifter hits puberty, they were able to form into four kinds of animals every twenty years based on the four elements: earth, fire, wind and water.

The shape-shifters didn't concern themselves with the magic society, much like the witches, and isolated themselves in an island. Nobody ever knew where this island was, until the warlocks came along. They set out to find their own homeland and somehow found the island where the shape-shifters were. Wild and reckless, the Warlocks killed a lot of families, burned homes and pillaged villages; wanting to take the island for themselves. However, the shape-shifters retaliated and killed off all the warlocks that landed on their island: a number of over 10,000! The Warlocks in the mainland were outraged and furious at the shape-shifters for killing off a large number of their kin, but they didn't know about the intended invasion on the shape-shifters' island.

The history books didn't tell much, but all Valkyrie knew was that the Warlocks somehow figured out a way to attack the island and kill off the entire species of shape-shifters in one night on the island. The shape-shifters were never seen since.

Until today that is.

By the time the final notes of the fiddle ended, Valkyrie and Skulduggery were standing a few feet away from where the woman was sitting. She sat still for a moment, her arm still poised with the bow above the fiddle until she suddenly bounced up from the rock and landed with her front towards them. But that wasn't what caused Valkyrie's mouth to open with shock and for her eyes to widen even further with disgust. No, it wasn't the severe scar that ran across the woman's face and not even because of the bright strange colour that seemed to gleam from her hair.

Valkyrie stood there standing in shock, because today was the day that she first saw the most hideous, messed up and weirdly coloured fiddle she had EVER seen in the entire world.

Imagine a block of wood, that had the most moldiest patches of weird bright blue colours, that had been trampled in the center by a heard of elephants; then looked like it had been chewed on by Alan Carr to create the most deformed shape of a string instrument. If you're capable of imagining that, then picture the atrocious piece of wood being pooped on by a thousand pigeons all over and then being coloured with crayons by a toddler on its left side. Add a couple of wonky strings and turning pegs and that is what Jocelyn's fiddle looked like.

Jocelyn noticed Valkyrie's stare and felt her eyebrows narrow with a bit of anger and annoyance.

"D'you have a problem with my fiddle chica?" Jocelyn drawled, Valkyrie noting the faint Hispanic accent.

Valkyrie shook her head quickly, as if broken from a trance and shook it again when she remembered the lady's question "Uh...no! Of course not! Why would I have a problem with such a...beautiful work of...craftmanship..."

"Good." The violet-haired stranger huffed.

Valkyrie was struggling between going along with whatever Skulduggery has up his sleeve, or wiping the smug look on the stupid woman's face. Valkyrie decided to go along with Skulduggery for now, she can always punch her when they reach the Sanctuary. Jocelyn un-narrowed her eyes, but brought the fiddle closer to her, like a mother protecting its child from judging eyes on its first day of kindergarten.

"Well, now that THAT is settled..." Jocelyn began, before a rather big grin broke out of her face, scaring Valkyrie a bit with its abrupt appearance. "Hello! I'm assuming that you two aren't just here for the view too?"

Before Valkyrie could reply, Skulduggery beat her to it. "No, unfortunately. We would just like to have a moment of your time to discuss a job application, Ms. Magnanimous, if you don't mind."

Jocelyn's smile lowered and lost it's friendliness. _'So not kidnappers. Ergo, probably not dangerous'_ She thought, but then glanced at the gun held steadily within the skeleton's grasp,_ 'Well...at least not, until I'm brought to the Sanctuary'._ Her smile now looking more wan, she snorted derisively "As gentlemanly as your tone sounds, I have a feeling that you'll take me anyway even if I do mind."

Skulduggery noticed her glance towards his gun and waved it up questioningly as he tilted his head.

"Oh this little thing?" He asked with a high voice, as if just noticing the dangerous mechanism in his hands "Oh we simply had a little pest problem on the way here. A rather large roach. Nearly the size of a fist. Had to use drastic measures. ... But yes, we would take you in anyways. Our Grand Mage doesn't like to be disappointed."

Jocelyn raised an eyebrow as she tried to not snicker at the skeleton's strange techniques of extermination. "And by 'Grand Mage', you mean China. How's is she doing by the way?"

Valkyrie frowned confused "You know China?"

Jocelyn's smile widened to it's original...wideness while she rolled her eyes "Well who hasn't heard of the China Sorrows, the most beautiful woman in the world, and her two top detectives Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant, the skeletal detective? The same amount of people who haven't heard of the great Jocelyn "Gargoyle" Magnanimous...none!"

Valkyrie inwardly slapped herself on the forehead for her moment of naivete as she narrowed her eyes at the Spanish woman with a hint of annoyance.

Before Valkyrie could shoot out a retort, Skulduggery butted in. "Miss Magnanimous..."

"Please stop with the formalities." Jocelyn rolled her eyes "I hear Miss Magnanimous and I expect my grandmother. Jocelyn will be just fine."

"Jocelyn..." Skulduggery said, before continuing "I'm sure you would love to gloat more about your exceeding talents, but I would prefer to not waste anymore time and for you to come with us."

"Ugh...Down to business type of person huh? Those people are always dull." Jocelyn whined and sulked for a moment.

Skulduggery scoffed "Oh I can assure you Jocelyn, I am far from dull. In fact, once we reach the sanctuary, I will be your one and only best, charming, strongest and suave friend, since others in the Sanctuary would not take kindly to your arrival. So if I were you, I wouldn't want to decline coming peacefully."

Valkyrie could've sworn seeing Jocelyn flinch for a moment when Skulduggery mentioned being her only friend, as if it triggered a bad memory. Jocelyn stood there for a moment, her body stiff and her face void of all expressions. Suddenly, the woman crouched down and snatched the fiddle case from the floor. Then she catapulted into the air like a graceful feline and landed behind Valkyrie and Skulduggery. The pair swiveled to look behind them and found Jocelyn standing there nonchalantly with the same signature grin.

"Right! Let's get going then!" Jocelyn grinned at them, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she packed her fiddle into the case while marching towards their Bentley. "I would try to have a little fun and fight with you two, but God gave me indoor plumbing and so I can't do combat at 'certain times' if you know what I mean."

* * *

"So, let me get this straight: We're hiring a possibly psychopathic shapeshifter to be incharge of the ENTIRE Sanctuary's weaponary?"

The trio were now back in the sanctuary, newly renovated with dark, mahogany walls and pale white tiled corridors. It seemed like every single room was enlarged twice as much and the amount of employees tripled! Cleavers seem to be guarding every single door or marching in every corridor; there seems to be a PA for almost every single high member and ever since doctor Nye's death, China has decided to dedicate an entire floor for the healing ward. The only room that seems to be larger than the Healing Ward was China's library, which was now twice as big as the last one.

The only thing that didn't seem to be ridiculously large was the Sanctuary's new entrance, which now took even longer to get into. The entrance was on the ninth floor of a rickety, old apartment that had graffiti splashed across it's right brick wall and had a fire escape on the left hand side. On the ninth floor, you go to room 905 and go inside an old-fashioned wooden closet in the bedroom which looked large enough to fit four people. The closet worked as an elevator once you said the password and lead you down into the basement of the Sanctuary. After that, you took another elevator to the main building which on the outside looked like an abandoned, half-built construction of a building.

Jocelyn was leaning on the back legs of a white plastic chair in the interrogation room. It was bland with a white floor and walls that had crumbling white wallpaper peeling off in certain areas; in front of Jocelyn was a bland metal table and on the other side were another set of white, plastic chairs.

On one side of the wall was a large pane of glass, which was where Valkyrie and Skulduggery stood on the other side, looking in on their captive. Jocelyn seemed to be surprisingly calm when they brought her in and with the Cleavers suddenly cuffing and chucking her into the interrogation room. When Valkyrie asked about that, Skulduggery simply shrugged and explained that it was simply a 'safety precaution'.

Once she sat down, they sent in some Elemental (Horas Delirium; average height, broad shoulders with black, curly hair) with an average status within the Sanctuary to interview her. Only problem was, whatever question Horas threw at Jocelyn, she remained as silent as the grave and her face remained the same as it did: eyes as wide as dinner plates and her mouth hanging out in awe as she took in the sites of the Sanctuary, like a kid taking his first sites on Willy Wonka's chocolate Factory.

It wasn't technically like that when she was being interrogated, but her eyes still held that fascinated awe in them as they remained a fraction wider.

After a while of watching Horas waste his time on a brick wall, Valkyrie decided to nick a file on Jocelyn and flip through it, hence her sudden question of Jocelyn's psychopathic past.

"Yes." was Skulduggery's simple reply to Valkyrie's previous question as he stood there with a very still posture, his eye sockets never leaving Jocelyn's form as she laid her feet on the table top and wiggling her toes in boredom while plucking random keys on her ... unique-looking fiddle. Valkyrie shifted from foot to foot, trying to find interest in anything. She let herself stare at an interesting ball of fuzz that floated in the corner of the room for a while before she remembered something interesting back when they first met Jocelyn.

"Skulduggery..." Valkyrie started, the skeleton detective tilting his head slightly to show he was listening. "What did you mean when you told Jocelyn that people in the Sanctuary would not like her arrival?"

There was a silent moment between the two before Skulduggery explained "A long time ago, when the shape-shifters were finally accepted into the mage society a few years after the first shifters set foot into the mainlands, people still held discrimination and prejudice against their kind. People thought that they were lower than the sorcerers and even humans because of their ability to shift into animals and how their lifestyle was more tribal; some claimed that they were nothing more than savages, that they didn't deserve to fit into their society and should go back to where they came from.

"After a while of riots and shifter-rights protests, the racism against the shifters eventually died down sometime around the 1930's, when people were too busy trying to survive through the depression. However, a few people today still hold prejudice against Ms. Magnanimous's species. Especially the amount of Energy throwers in the Sanctuary who might fear her and her possible hatred towards them and warlocks."

Valkyrie felt her brow furrow in confusion when she looked back towards Jocelyn when Skulduggery finished his tale. THIS woman held the discrimination of energy throwers and warlocks world wide? _'But she looks so...carefree!'_ Valkyrie thought incredulously as she looked at the said woman who had her eyes crossed and her nose scrunched up immaturely when a buzzard flew by her face and she tried to whack it with her bow.

Valkyrie looked back to Skulduggery and raised an eyebrow at him "And you?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think the same? That her kind is beneath you?"

"Oh come now Valkyrie, you already know that I think EVERYBODY is beneath me."

Valkyrie shoved his shoulder playfully while rolling her eyes. She chuckled "You know what I mean!"

Skulduggery gently let out a short chuckle for a moment before replying "I don't neccesarily believe that her kind are 'beneath' us, but I am not exactly fond of them."

Valkyrie looked at him curiously with a confused tilt of her head; the only people she's heard Skulduggery have a regard like that for them were either the necromancers or the vampires, so what made shape-shifters a part of that list?

Skulduggery noticed the look Valkyrie gave him and sighed before clarifying "Let's just say that they have a very bad history of losing their temper quite easily."

Valkyrie's mouth took an 'o' shape with realisation before she looked at the said shape-shifter with disbelieving eyes. So THAT is what he meant when they cuffed Jocelyn: they were being paranoid about her temper. However, the more Skulduggery was describing the shape-shifters, the less Valkyrie was starting to believe that the captured woman before them was a part of the species.

Suddenly, a loud buzzing sound echoed in the interrogation room Jocelyn occupied with Horas. Jocelyn gave her interviewer a sheepish grin and said a short 'excuse me' before pulling out a very fancy looking smartphone that was buzzing in her bottom pocket. She looked at the caller on the screen, smiled very widely and answered.

"Hello sweetie! Trouble at home already?" Jocelyn chuckled with an amused grin. Everybody around her stared at her with surprised faces from her sudden statement (except for Skulduggery, who only gave a hint to his surprise when he suddenly straightened his stance). 'Sweetie'!? There was nothing in the file that said ANYTHING about Jocelyn being in any kind of intimate relationship!

Valkyrie couldn't hear much from the speakers (used to hear whatever was said in the room), but the volume was on pretty loud, so she was able to hear a...child-like voice, rambling random words: _'Coffee...miss you...alone...hungry...not working!'_

_'Oh, so she has a kid...'_ Valkyrie let out a breath of relief, not wanting to endure a lovey-dovey conversation. That is...until it hit her: _'Wait...who's the father?!"_

Jocelyn rolled her eyes exasperatedly before muttering "Okay sweetie, I've told you this a thousand times: when Mama is out doing work, the less you bug her, the faster Mama will be able to get home and fix whatever problem there is!"

Valkyrie saw a muscle underneath Horas's left eye twitch with annoyance as he glared at the woman. "Miss Magnanimous, we are not finished!" Horas said sternly, looking rather irked at being ignored by his captive.

Jocelyn rolled her eyes again while sighing "Sorry sweetie, you'll have to repeat that, Mama wasn't able to hear." Jocelyn glared back at Horas with equal annoyance and held up a finger as if to say 'give me a mo!' before listening intently to whatever 'Sweetie' said next. Horas's face started to turn bright red with withheld anger at the sheer RUDENESS of the woman, but unfortunately, he was under strict orders that Jocelyn would be treated as a guest, despite the handcuffs on her wrists.

The next ramble of words made even LESS sense to Valkyrie: _'Smoke...safe...money...pancakes...Rodry...'_ and ended with a large loud whine of _'HUNGRY!'_

Jocelyn didn't even wince at the sudden shrillness of the voice, but instead SMIRKED with amusement and her eyes slid to the window to where Skulduggery and Valkyrie were standing, a strange twinkle sparkling within the green orbs.

"Really?" She smirked as she continued to stare at the pair on the other side of the window, "Well sweetie, I think I might have just found our solution."

And without warning, Jocelyn shoved the phone into her pocket again and bounced off the chair, causing it to collapse to the floor. Skulduggery pulled out his gun with lightening speed as soon as Jocelyn made the sudden action, while Horas lept out the chair at the same time and had a fireball ready in his hand.

"Alright-y! I'm in!" Jocelyn yelled with her signature, face-splitting grin as she clapped her hands and started to rub them together excitedly.

Horas stared at her with wide eyes and his mouth parted with slight confusion. "W-what? But, we haven't finished our..." He stammered

Jocelyn rolled her eyes for the third time but with a joking grin "No need to. If it's private information you want..."

She held out her arms, spread her feet shoulder-width apart and without any warnings, Jocelyn shifted right in front of them.

I'm sure from all the X-men and Harry Potter movies you readers have watched, that you would think that shifting is a piece of cake and doesn't require any hard work. Well that was not the sight that greeted Valkyrie when she saw her first shifting, and it was not her last.

There were horrible sounds of a few cracking bones and Jocelyn twisted her neck, elbows and every single limb she was able to bend. Her skin seemed to stretch in a gaunt and unnatural way as her bones continued to grow, before a strange sloshing sound echoed around the room and muscles seemed to be growing within her body. Her skin melted from it's Hispanic tan to a European pale tone with a dash of freckles everywhere and finally came the hair colour: it was like someone tipped an invisible bucket above her head and spilled blood red dye all over her head.

The overall result: an average freckled faced lady with a height of 5 ft 9 stood there with a really wide, and rather smug, grin that showed off a small diastema. Her cheeks seemed to sink a little bit into her face, her cute button nose was slightly upturned and her clothes from her previous form (blue polo shirt and khaki brown shorts) were rather tight on the current one. Even the scar in her previous form has disappeared completely!

Jocelyn placed her fists on her hips and jutted it to the side before proclaiming "My name is Jocelyn Magnanimous, I'm 546 years old, I'm the last of the shape-shifters, this is my most adopted form, my area of expertise is explosives and my favorite food is peanut butter!"

Jocelyn looked around to find both Valkyrie and Horas with similar shocked expressions; Valkyrie had eyes as wide as dinner plates while Horas's face paled considerably and his jaw dropped wide open. Jocelyn almost pouted when she found Skulduggery still pointing his gun at her and not joining in with the others on their shock-fest.

"Aw, you're still pointing that at me." Jocelyn whined, snapping her fingers in frustration "I always look forward to the bit where EVERYONE is surprised."

Skulduggery scoffed "Even if I were surprised, I seriously doubt that it would show on a face like mine, don't you think?"

Jocelyn pursed her lips and placed her finger on her lips, as if ACTUALLY contemplating the possibility. She then went back to her signature grin and agreed "Nope! Guess not!" while popping the 'p'.

Jocelyn turned to Horas and flashed him her signature shit-eating grin.

"So...when do we start?"


End file.
